Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear A,

I’ve always wondered what I would say to you if I had the chance; if I had the courage to say what I should have said well over four years ago. I wonder how I would form my words, how I could make them sting, how I could possibly make you feel a fragment of what I was feeling.

You were the first person I completely opened up to. There wasn’t a single corner of my heart that I didn’t let you explore. No part of my mind I didn’t let you pick through and get to know. You knew me in a way that no one else really had. I was vulnerable for you; I adored you. I was young and starry-eyed and you took advantage. 

Looking back, I can’t believe how low I had let myself sink to try and change the mind of a someone who didn’t have my best interests at heart. You begged me not to leave you a second time..I made promises I knew I couldn’t keep, anything to get you to see that everything about my feelings were genuine and you were making a mistake not only when you physically and emotionally hurt me, but also when you cheated on me... You may have felt like It was so easy for me to just walk away, but it wasn't the easiest thing I had to do, although I am to this day greatful things happened the way they did... Had I made it that easy to use me? 

I shouldn’t have had to make you see that I was the one you should be with. I deserve someone who knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that I’m worth being faithful. You broke my heart. Twice. I believed that you had changed when you convinced me to come back a second time. I convinced myself that this would be different. I believed your words, ate them up and you deceived me once again. I hated you for making me so guarded. I hadn't trusted to let someone in, not as easily as I had let you. I’m over that now, it took some time but I can trust again. 

I've forgotten you. And it feels good to finally be able to say that.

I no longer feel sick when I think of you. You are nothing but a bad dream to me. The kind that haunts you the next day but then slowly you start to forget the details until the dream is completely forgotten. 

I would say that you missed out on a good thing, but i’d be lying. You spared me. You weren’t the one for me and it took some heart ache to realize that. I’m the lucky one. This isn’t a hate letter. My anger is gone, and all that’s left is a lesson learned.

Sincerely, T.

P.s thank you for showing me I deserved way better because in the end I finally got it and couldn't be happier..

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Dear K, 
For as long as I can remember, we we're pretty much inseparable, you we're one of the best friend's I had in a long time and I didn't ever want that to change... Still to this day I have no idea what ever did happen between us, or how we went from being friends to pretty much strangers and then not even facebook "friends" anymore.. for the longest time it drove me crazy trying to figure out what went wrong... we shared so many amazing memories together, from P.O.D (meeting them) to Agri-fair to my 19th "barf"day... Oops, I mean BIRTHDAY...  part of me will always wonder what happened , while the other part make's me wish it never had... loosing our friendship was one of the worst feeling's I could have ever felt I wouldn't wish it upon anyone let alone my worst enemy, I had always hoped one day I would get a msg from you asking to be friend's again or even just to talk, I know it is probably a long shot but thinking of the time's we spent together make's me miss you more then I ever thought possible... I will always miss you and the memories we shared, and hope nothing but the best for you ... and nothing but happiness.

Signed, T

Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be

Dear Me,

Where do I start, writing you a letter about the person I wish you could be, to be honest I am not too entirely sure of what that would be... part of me deep down wishes you could be different but the other part of me knows that you are who you are ment to be and I can't change that, nor do I want to.

telling yourself who you wish you were would air out every insecurity you have. And I don’t wish you to be a woman of weakness – or a woman who airs out her dirty laundry in public…

Writing everything I wish for you to be here, would almost seem like writing things you felt you couldn’t achieve – which would be why you were wishing as opposed to doing something else…

I know you are and always have been capable of being the person you know you can be.

If anything, the only thing I would change if I could, would be to not let those who are suppose to be close to you walk all over you as if you're feelings don't matter.. I am not a doormat, nor punching bag, like everyone else I have feelings that matter, even if to you they don't to me they do and thats all that matters to me!.....

signed, me

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Dear N,

seems like yesterday we were still kids and living next door to eachother...I still cant believe now we are all grown up and you have the most beautiful little girl, i wish more then anything your mom was still here so she could meet her, i still remember her funeral like it was yesterday... my heart was breaking for you ang and shannon... still can't believe she is gone!.... wish we got to see eachother alot more over the years after you guys moved away but no matter the distance we will always still be like family! <3 and i wouldn't change it for the world!... I think you’re the one non-relative that I’ve known the longest. We’re not as close as we used to be, and we both have different friends, but we’ve been through so much together and I want us to stay friends for as long as we can. I am so proud of how far you have come. I am glad we consider eachother family... me, you, kristal and angie i wouldn't trade it for the world...if i could make things different the only thing i would change would make it so your mom was still here and you guys weren't hurting.. love you guys more then anything <3

Meeting one of my 2 biggest Idols..

On October 7th, 2010 I got to meet one of my biggest IDOLS for the very first time, for alot of those who know me well enough know my 2 biggest Idols are Carolyn Dawn Johnson & Reba Mcentire (both of which I have had the pleasure to meet... altho Oct 7th was CDJ, it was one of the most amazing days of my life with the exception of April 19th, 2012 when for the SECOND time I got to meet CDJ (again) this time by Pure fluke!... while at the Johnny Reid concert with 2 friends one of my friends and her grama had 2 meet and greets for CDJ, 4 others didn't show up so my best friend and I got to go in, shortly after making her way down the hall she look's at me and says "You are Tanya from Red Deer right?"  me baffled that she remembers who I am (even tho I am on her facebook) almost wanted to cry... the feeling of one of your biggest idols remembering who you are is one of the worlds most amazing feelings ever!! my best friend looked at me after she said it asking if  I was about to cry, cause at that very moment I almost did!.... out of all the millions of people she meets why me?... I am not complaining ... I just never thought I was ever that memorable! ... reasons like this tho are definately reasons to love CDJ more then I do, and makes me realize there is no better person to have as one of my idols then her! that title is definately fitting!.... I know you may probably never see this but thank you CDJ for being an amazing idol!...I can honestly say that you are one of the most down to earth and beautiful people I have ever met in my life! =)

October 2010

April 2012

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

This letter is for special friends, who I am sure if they see once they see the picture below will know who its directed at! <3

Dear  R & R,

Never have I ever met 2 people with the most incredible amount of faith and strenght!, you two are 2 of the single most amazing people I have ever met, altho it's never been in person I am still thankful you guys have allowed me to be part of your lives... I remember the day I came across Boey's myspace page, a day I can definately say changed my life.... she was the most incredibly amazing little fighter ever!, seeing her with the strength and fight she had in her everyday and her caring


nature caring about everyone else around her gives me hope, hope that maybe some day there will be alot more people in this world as amazing as her, and maybe If I am lucky I will have the pleasure to know someone as caring and compasinate as her!... I remember hearing about her passing almost as if it was yesterday and just remember how much my heart broke that day .... when I found out about bubba, as well as baby to be I don't think I have ever felt so much joy for someone else next to the joy I felt the day I was gonna be an auntie!


I am so super excited for you guys and whats to come!, I am also very thankful you feel that I am special enough to include me as a "friend" and wanted to say Thanks for being amazing friends and considering me to be too! <3

My Sweet little Niece...only a few weeks old..

My Niece Brings Sunshine into my heart EVERYDAY!

On November 28th, 2011 I became the aunty to the sweetest most amazing little babygirl ever..weighing 7lbz 11oz

Kalli Mae Patricia,

Jan 10th, 2012 I got to meet her for the first time ever, and feel in love with her more then I thought humanly possible! never in my life did I ever think it was possible to fall so in love with her.  being 12hrs away from her and not getting to see her very often is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Everyday I see a new picture or video of her I can't help but fall so in love, my heart smiles.  Aunty misses you so very much baby girl.


I can hardly believe that my little peanut turned 4 months old on March 28th!! and Can't wait to see her sometime this summer and spend every last second possible with her.

This song I dedicate to you baby girl <3

I love you more then you will Ever know Kalli <3

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

THE DASH

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning..to the end.
He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears, 1964-1994
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth..
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars..the house..the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you”d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what”s true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we”ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile..
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy”s being read
With your life”s actions to rehash..
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

Dear Doreen,

Day after day I sit here and all I can think about is YOU, and how much I miss you and wish you were still here.... Always wonder what thing's would be like if you were still around.. Still to this day I wish closer to the end I had of  come to visit you more... I still remember the day I got the phone call from Ann telling me you were gone... I remember it like it was yesterday... I still wish to this day more then anything in the world that I would wake up from a horrible night mare and you would be alive..never in my life have I ever been so upset to loose someone so close to me as I was you.... I will always remember growing up and how I always had someone like a grandma to me next door... someone who loved me so much like I was the grandchild she never had...it made me feel special... I will ALWAYS love you so so much but I also know how proud I would have made you for all the things I have done!... In 8 days I am flying back home again to meet my niece for the first time!, Kristal had a baby girl, I wish you were still here and could meet Kalli, I know you would love her as much as I already do... I promise that no matter what I will NEVER forget you!!!... I carry the same picture posted above in my wallet!!


Feel's like yesterday, the pain is still so real, so there... and not going anywhere...altho in 9 days you will have been gone a year... I do not like the pain... If I could trade the pain for just ONE more day with you here on earth that I could spend with you I would trade it in a heartbeat.... You will always be like family to me no matter what anyone says or thinks...I love you as if we were related by blood.

thank you for giving me 16 of the best years knowing you ... I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I love and miss you more then you will ever know!!!!

Love, Tan xo

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

There are honestly a few people I can think of who I have "Drifted" away from and I guess in a way you can say moving away does that ... altho the one person I have in my mind specifically I drifted away from a while before having moved away...

Dear N,

I guess our friendship never really was ment to last?... altho as much as part of me wants to hate you... I can't nor do I like the word hate or ever wish it on anyone friend/enemy or stranger... I have had people hate me and it isn't a very good feeling.... can't really say tho that I am surprised how things ended up? or that when I let you know you never really cared bout our friendship that you never tried to prove otherwise?... you were there for me when I needed someone the most and for that I am truely greatful and always will be but part of me will always miss the friendship we did have before things when down the drain..... I also am not really sure how things even went down the drain to begin with ...  We've drifted apart for a few reasons I guess. as much as I don't want to openly admit that I blame you, I will do it right now because I really do. You were a horrible friend....maybe not so much in the beginning but more so near the end.... you went from being a person I thought was a true friend... to just being flat out horrible.....  You were fun to hang out with and I will admit I do miss those time's we did, campfires in your backyard, going out for coffee, hanging out shopping...., but I soon realized what kind of friend and person you really were...and really part of me wishes I never did, or that I never let you in and trusted you because in the end all you really turned out to be was a liar.....  You lied to me constantly and talked about me behind my back (which was told  to me by a few people) altho you did the same thing to them that you did me so why should it really surprise me?.... I guess it doesn't really... I just never wanted to admit that.... what I really don't get tho is to my face you called me your best friend.... best friends don't talk about you behind your back..... Well, I will tell you to your face that you're my friend, but behind your back I'm going to be calling you a bitch, I don't feel bad for saying it. Sorry...... well really you aren't a friend haven't been for 8 months... nor have you even tried to "stop" our friendship from ending so that in itself said everything right there... because if you really CARED about me, or our friendship ending it would be hard for you to let me do you would have stopped me.... but didn't... I honestly cannot recall the last time I really talked to you when things were still good... and as much as I wanna hold a grudge against you I really can't do it... It hurt yes, and probably always will.... but I always will be thankful that you were there for me when I needed someone, the day I called you crying and you panicked and came to my rescue... I still to this day believe that was really the only TRUE friend moment we ever had together... and I wouldn't trade it for the world.... they say that not every friendship is ment to last... but the one's that don't make you learn from your past.....I will definately learn to not be so naive thinking all friendships I have will last forever... altho I miss you more and more everyday I guess nothin really was going to stop our friendship from ending... it's the way it was written....

Love, Me

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

honestly, I really cannot think at all of anyone who I wish could forgive me because the one person who I really wanted more then anything to be back on good terms with, altho never having known what went wrong between our friendship, recently started talking to me and I really do believe that we could end up being best friend's again but I don't know... part of my heart will always have a place for her in it ...  even if things ever went horribly wrong I am not so sure I'd ever NOT be willing to ever become friends again... she was ALWAYS the one person while we hadn't talked in forever who I always wanted to run to when something happened good or bad because we were always able to tell eachother EVERYTHING and ANYTHING and never judge one another because we knew each other best...